The rain splashed against his face. He hated the rain. But he stood there nevertheless, drenched. He stood there for the sake of a friendship. Something that was very important to him...unfortunately not to someone else...
Two decades ago, Sandeep was born in Chennai on a bright summer day - perhaps the reason why he preferred warm climate. His parents were Government servants, neither of them being over ambitious or with high dreams. He grew in a middle class neighbourhood where most of the kids played hours together on the streets and some busied themselves with dance, music and other classes and studies. Sandeep did neither. His mother was constantly afraid of her only son getting hurt while playing. Dance classes and music - were a taboo for boys she said and being blessed with intelligence, he spent very little time studying. To amuse himself, Sandeep had three things - the television, books and his imagination. Life went by as a flash till the end of secondary school life was seen rapidly approaching. He had by now discovered that he really did not have a sense of belonging to anyone or anywhere. He liked being lonely. No one bothered the loner, who took no part in any school activity, kept to himself and his books.
It was during his eleventh grade, a warm day brought to him a pleasant surprise. A girl came into his life. She was an attractive girl, who had been in another class till then. They did not know exactly when they had started talking - it was perhaps at the time when Salma had offered to walk with Sandeep on the way to school, whatever it was...a month later either of them could be questioned about the other to the minutest detail and gotten all the correct answers. From then on, for Sandeep - Salma was the most important person. She cared for him genuinely as he did for her.
"My love is boundless - but I was afraid to show affection to anyone because I know that it hurts if it is not reciprocated" she confided to him once. The usually robotic Sandeep felt moved enough to lean on her shoulder for sometime when she said that. Once he had broken a new birthday gift of Salma. He tried hiding it before she came into the room - but she was at the doorway watching him. Face flushed he had asked her to forgive him. "You are my Sandeep, aren't you? Will I be angry with myself if I break my own stuff? I cannot, right?" she had smiled and asked. Sandeep cried like a child hearing this. They thought about each other at the same time and would try calling up only to find the other phone line busy. Both would smile knowing what was happening on the other end and then both would wait thinking the other would call.
Once Salma's friend Priya met Sandeep at a family wedding. She spoke to Sandeep and wondered what her friend Salma could see in this strange boy. And Priya could not help asking if Sandeep liked Salma in 'that way'. The answer was never given. Sandeep looked at her in a way that made Priya smile absurdly and walk away quickly. She never spoke to him again. One day, a group of boys in his class confronted Sandeep and teased him about his friendship with Salma. Sandeep did not react again. He just stared at the boys vacantly until they got bored and went away. And then he smiled...he knew how to deal with such people who could not mind their business.
Little moments, big moments - they saw it all together. During their final exams, Salma and Sandeep literally stayed in a park which separated their streets. Both their parents knew about the friendship and they never objected to it. Pages turned every hour and both their minds were bent upon getting excellent marks as both wanted to get a merit seat in a high ranking college. Finally the exams were over and Salma left to Mumbai for a visit to her grandparent's house.
The results were out on a rainy day, and inspite of the irritating puddles and potholes, Sandeep half ran to a cyber cafe to check out the results. On the way he had called up eagerly to Mumbai only to learn that Salma was on her way to Chennai. Salma had scored a few marks more than Sandeep, but that did not matter to him. He knew both of them were now eligible to get a merit seat in the same college. He went back home slowly - for the first time in his life he felt like crying. Crying from relief - for all these days he had secretly started worrying what would happen to their bond if they joined different colleges. When he reached home, his mother was crying too - but for a different reason. He froze seeing the images on the television. The flight from Mumbai had crashed owing to poor weather. The most fragile portion of his heart and soul broke. It broke into a million bits. He could not cry. He could not breakdown. He could not shout her name aloud...he could not even whisper it. That night he did not sleep and yet the next day, Sandeep went to school to collect his marksheets. His classmates were surprised by his indifference. The principal spoke a few words to him trying to comfort him for the loss of his best friend. He simply nodded and walked away. On his way home, he passed a tree against which they usually stood talking before they went into each other's street. He went near the tree and stood for sometime.
Tears started flowing and the howls started. An hour later, he had to be dragged into his house and a doctor was sent for. He was then injected to be quietened. He woke up several hours later in the dark. Everywhere he could see the smile of his friend. He felt angry and scolded God. He cursed nature and he cursed the rain. Finally he slept again.
Sandeep wasted a year, sitting at home. His favourite past time was to look at the photographs of Salma, their chitnotes that he had kept safely, her gifts, her cap, her earring and other things he had in her memory. A year later his worried parents forced him to join some degree at some college. Two years went by - Sandeep went to college and came back. He ate, slept, studied and did nothing else in life. Every evening though, he would walk along the park's pavement thinking of his past. Sometimes he would sit there and watch a group of boys playing, another group of boys whistling and making fun of girls who passed by, yet another group of boys who just sat and talked around joking amongst themselves. He would smile wryly knowing that it was too late for him to join in a gang like that. He yearned for it - but he knew now it was too late to find a best friend or a group of them. They would simply not accept him and he could not pretend to be very comfortable in everything they did. Best friends are to be built out talking and knowing, out of trust and loving, out of fighting and forgiving...Everyone he knew had a best friend. Someone to whom you could call up in the middle of the night to discuss something really unimportant. Someone who has the list of all your crushes and makes fun of you knowing that you would like it. Someone who lights all the birthday candles meticulously, for you to blow them all out a minute later. Someone who would advise you to drink a bottle of beer if you had a cold or someone who joked that he smoked only for medicinal values of tobacco on the lungs. No - he simply had become too much of a loner to know these things now. And also...he did not want to know. For he feared one thing the most. What if he experienced something beautiful and then it went void...like how Salma had.
Third year of college opened on a warm sunny day - his birthday. No one knew about his birthday and if his mother had not reminded him, he would have not known it as well. As he walked quickly up the corridor, getting himself lost among the endless stream of faces passing that way - he stamped the foot of another student. This boy glared at him and went away. Sandeep thanked his lucky stars for he knew that if the other boy - Anand had stamped Sandeep's foot in return -- No no - he did not even want to think of it! At lunchtime, Sandeep opened his tiffin box and hurridely gobbled up his lunch. He usually aimed at finishing his lunch soon and hurrying away to his class where he could sit and think about something imaginary and exciting for sometime, until it was time for recess to be over.
A shadow over his lunch table announced the arrival of the well built Anand. He asked Sandeep if the seat next to him was taken and before he could reply he had sat there. Sandeep's speed of eating doubled and after the last spoon of curd rice he opened a small bottle to drink its contents.
"Payasam? Man is it your birthday or something today?" Anand smiled. Sandeep nodded and went on to drain the bottle. Anand merely smiled at the weird fellow and continued with his lunch. Sandeep tried getting up to leave when Anand pulled him back to the seat. "Can't you wait till I finish? We can walk together till your building then." A month later, they had become goodfriends.
Sandeep could talk about anything and everything under the sun to Anand. But Anand did not talk much. He liked to listen the endless chattering of Sandeep. People in the college begun to take notice. The unusually silent Sandeep was slowly changing. Sandeep's parents were happy at their son's happy face. He had become attached to Anand like a magnet. And he was also opening out to others as well. It was perhaps Anand who had taught him to adjust, tolerate and think from other's shoes. But whatever it was Sandeep was changing for good, they said. Sandeep literally ran around Anand's leg like a puppy dog around its masters'. Once Anand had said, " I won't get angry with you man because you are my Sandeep". A chord struck in his heart. He had heard it before...Sandeep waited for him at every recess, at the bus area and outside his home everyday. Seeing the face of his best friend walking towards him was the best thing for him. One evening he went to Salma's photograph and whispered, "Hey best friend, I am sorry - but I did not miss you at all today. Goodnight"
The rain beating against his window at three a.m woke him up. He hated the rain, for it reminded him of the terrible day of loss. He shut his ears to the noise and decided to stay indoors that day. He spoke to Anand over the phone and then did some studying for the exams that were soon approaching. That night, Sandeep had high fever. He cursed the shift in weather for it always took its toll on his health. His mother scolded him as usual.
"You need some form of physical stamina, Sandeep. Else you will fall sick at the slightest drizzle"
That entire week, Sandeep was at home - watching T.V, reading books and listening to music - blissfully unaware that his friend had fallen in love, proposed to a girl and had got an acceptance. The next week, at college Anand did not turn out for lunch on Monday. It was a study week, when no classes were held and usually most of the students had a good time staying away from the dingy classrooms. The worried Sandeep searched for his friend everywhere when finally he learnt from his classmate that he had gone for a movie with someone during break and was yet to return. Anand came back at around three in the evening with Rakshita. Seeing Sandeep waiting for him at the football ground, he parked his bike, sent Rakshita away and came hurrying to Sandeep.
"Hey why you so dull man?"
"I was waiting for you - for having lunch together - you never came"
"Hey sorry - you did not come the entire week last week, I had gotten used to not having you around. ha ha. Come lets go and grab something to eat"
"How can you laugh about this Anand! I am angry. You did not think about me?"
"Are you trying to question me?"
"Yes"
"Well Sandeep. I think you know that I hate being answerable. Now don't fuss. Come"
"Get lost man - Bye"
A day or two later, Sandeep could not resist calling Anand. They met for a stroll by the park near Sandeep's house.
"So, How have you been da?"
"Never mind how I have been...I heard from someone that you proposed to Rakshita and that she had accepted. I told them it wasn't true and that you guys are only good friends. Anand, they think they know more about you than me."
"Well, they do - Sandeep. That is true, I did propose and she did accept. Sorry, I could not tell you. You had fever and stuff and did not feel -"
"Wait- You mean to say thats true?"
"Yes - I will treat you man -"
"What treat? How can you do this to me Anand? You did not tell your best friend about this!"
"Best friend??! Come on Sandeep. How long do we know each other pal? You cannot expect me to be your best friend...I honestly never thought of you that way. You do not even know that I have better friends than you!"
"Anand - you are joking right? I thought you really thought I was your best friend!"
"Oh please, gimme a break buddy. Best friend is too big a word. It is too strong a word, too strong a relationship. I need years to create a best friend."
Sandeep could not believe what he was hearing. Anand was destroying something that both of them had built together.
"But - all these days I was lead to believe -"
"Hang on - lead to believe? You mean I was misleading you?" Anand seemed to be angry.
"It is all because of that Rakshita! I hate her"
Anand hit Sandeep before he could open his mouth again.
"Don't be so cheap man. What did she do?"
Silence.
"Listen, I was your friend out of pity for you. Nothing more. Now stop bothering me and get back to being a loner. I don't care." Anand started walking away. Sandeep ran after him.
"Anand, Anand. Don't leave me. Please no. Don't leave me. I won't ask anything about her again. I just don't want you to leave me. Please. I have no one"
"Find someone. Go get a girl friend. Leave me. Bye"
"This is not about finding a girlfriend. You are my best friend. Please try to understand."
"Stop this nonsense. Stop everything. I don't need you or the attention you give me. Bye"
"Don't leave me, please"
"Keep standing here if you want Sandeep, I am not going to come back"
Sandeep stood still watching him leave. He had not been physically hurt, yet he felt a sharp pain stab at his heart. He had not heard the news of a loved one's death, yet his mind was screaming to cry. But no tears came by. His eyes had dried years ago. They were incapable of crying. He stood there as still as a statue. The sun was probably ashamed to interfere in his moment of private grief. It had hidden beneath the forming clouds. He stood thinking of his early childhood days - his loneliness. A gentle wind started blowing. He stood thinking of his school days and the days with Salma. The smell of distant rain reached his nostrils. He stood thinking of the early days at college and then about Anand. The heavens opened up as he turned and started walking in the opposite direction. As the rain splashed against his face, he realised that his walk all along had been alone. He sighed and decided not to muse about it too much. For some people life was meant to be that way. As it would always be for him...
Two decades ago, Sandeep was born in Chennai on a bright summer day - perhaps the reason why he preferred warm climate. His parents were Government servants, neither of them being over ambitious or with high dreams. He grew in a middle class neighbourhood where most of the kids played hours together on the streets and some busied themselves with dance, music and other classes and studies. Sandeep did neither. His mother was constantly afraid of her only son getting hurt while playing. Dance classes and music - were a taboo for boys she said and being blessed with intelligence, he spent very little time studying. To amuse himself, Sandeep had three things - the television, books and his imagination. Life went by as a flash till the end of secondary school life was seen rapidly approaching. He had by now discovered that he really did not have a sense of belonging to anyone or anywhere. He liked being lonely. No one bothered the loner, who took no part in any school activity, kept to himself and his books.
It was during his eleventh grade, a warm day brought to him a pleasant surprise. A girl came into his life. She was an attractive girl, who had been in another class till then. They did not know exactly when they had started talking - it was perhaps at the time when Salma had offered to walk with Sandeep on the way to school, whatever it was...a month later either of them could be questioned about the other to the minutest detail and gotten all the correct answers. From then on, for Sandeep - Salma was the most important person. She cared for him genuinely as he did for her.
"My love is boundless - but I was afraid to show affection to anyone because I know that it hurts if it is not reciprocated" she confided to him once. The usually robotic Sandeep felt moved enough to lean on her shoulder for sometime when she said that. Once he had broken a new birthday gift of Salma. He tried hiding it before she came into the room - but she was at the doorway watching him. Face flushed he had asked her to forgive him. "You are my Sandeep, aren't you? Will I be angry with myself if I break my own stuff? I cannot, right?" she had smiled and asked. Sandeep cried like a child hearing this. They thought about each other at the same time and would try calling up only to find the other phone line busy. Both would smile knowing what was happening on the other end and then both would wait thinking the other would call.
Once Salma's friend Priya met Sandeep at a family wedding. She spoke to Sandeep and wondered what her friend Salma could see in this strange boy. And Priya could not help asking if Sandeep liked Salma in 'that way'. The answer was never given. Sandeep looked at her in a way that made Priya smile absurdly and walk away quickly. She never spoke to him again. One day, a group of boys in his class confronted Sandeep and teased him about his friendship with Salma. Sandeep did not react again. He just stared at the boys vacantly until they got bored and went away. And then he smiled...he knew how to deal with such people who could not mind their business.
Little moments, big moments - they saw it all together. During their final exams, Salma and Sandeep literally stayed in a park which separated their streets. Both their parents knew about the friendship and they never objected to it. Pages turned every hour and both their minds were bent upon getting excellent marks as both wanted to get a merit seat in a high ranking college. Finally the exams were over and Salma left to Mumbai for a visit to her grandparent's house.
The results were out on a rainy day, and inspite of the irritating puddles and potholes, Sandeep half ran to a cyber cafe to check out the results. On the way he had called up eagerly to Mumbai only to learn that Salma was on her way to Chennai. Salma had scored a few marks more than Sandeep, but that did not matter to him. He knew both of them were now eligible to get a merit seat in the same college. He went back home slowly - for the first time in his life he felt like crying. Crying from relief - for all these days he had secretly started worrying what would happen to their bond if they joined different colleges. When he reached home, his mother was crying too - but for a different reason. He froze seeing the images on the television. The flight from Mumbai had crashed owing to poor weather. The most fragile portion of his heart and soul broke. It broke into a million bits. He could not cry. He could not breakdown. He could not shout her name aloud...he could not even whisper it. That night he did not sleep and yet the next day, Sandeep went to school to collect his marksheets. His classmates were surprised by his indifference. The principal spoke a few words to him trying to comfort him for the loss of his best friend. He simply nodded and walked away. On his way home, he passed a tree against which they usually stood talking before they went into each other's street. He went near the tree and stood for sometime.
Tears started flowing and the howls started. An hour later, he had to be dragged into his house and a doctor was sent for. He was then injected to be quietened. He woke up several hours later in the dark. Everywhere he could see the smile of his friend. He felt angry and scolded God. He cursed nature and he cursed the rain. Finally he slept again.
Sandeep wasted a year, sitting at home. His favourite past time was to look at the photographs of Salma, their chitnotes that he had kept safely, her gifts, her cap, her earring and other things he had in her memory. A year later his worried parents forced him to join some degree at some college. Two years went by - Sandeep went to college and came back. He ate, slept, studied and did nothing else in life. Every evening though, he would walk along the park's pavement thinking of his past. Sometimes he would sit there and watch a group of boys playing, another group of boys whistling and making fun of girls who passed by, yet another group of boys who just sat and talked around joking amongst themselves. He would smile wryly knowing that it was too late for him to join in a gang like that. He yearned for it - but he knew now it was too late to find a best friend or a group of them. They would simply not accept him and he could not pretend to be very comfortable in everything they did. Best friends are to be built out talking and knowing, out of trust and loving, out of fighting and forgiving...Everyone he knew had a best friend. Someone to whom you could call up in the middle of the night to discuss something really unimportant. Someone who has the list of all your crushes and makes fun of you knowing that you would like it. Someone who lights all the birthday candles meticulously, for you to blow them all out a minute later. Someone who would advise you to drink a bottle of beer if you had a cold or someone who joked that he smoked only for medicinal values of tobacco on the lungs. No - he simply had become too much of a loner to know these things now. And also...he did not want to know. For he feared one thing the most. What if he experienced something beautiful and then it went void...like how Salma had.
Third year of college opened on a warm sunny day - his birthday. No one knew about his birthday and if his mother had not reminded him, he would have not known it as well. As he walked quickly up the corridor, getting himself lost among the endless stream of faces passing that way - he stamped the foot of another student. This boy glared at him and went away. Sandeep thanked his lucky stars for he knew that if the other boy - Anand had stamped Sandeep's foot in return -- No no - he did not even want to think of it! At lunchtime, Sandeep opened his tiffin box and hurridely gobbled up his lunch. He usually aimed at finishing his lunch soon and hurrying away to his class where he could sit and think about something imaginary and exciting for sometime, until it was time for recess to be over.
A shadow over his lunch table announced the arrival of the well built Anand. He asked Sandeep if the seat next to him was taken and before he could reply he had sat there. Sandeep's speed of eating doubled and after the last spoon of curd rice he opened a small bottle to drink its contents.
"Payasam? Man is it your birthday or something today?" Anand smiled. Sandeep nodded and went on to drain the bottle. Anand merely smiled at the weird fellow and continued with his lunch. Sandeep tried getting up to leave when Anand pulled him back to the seat. "Can't you wait till I finish? We can walk together till your building then." A month later, they had become goodfriends.
Sandeep could talk about anything and everything under the sun to Anand. But Anand did not talk much. He liked to listen the endless chattering of Sandeep. People in the college begun to take notice. The unusually silent Sandeep was slowly changing. Sandeep's parents were happy at their son's happy face. He had become attached to Anand like a magnet. And he was also opening out to others as well. It was perhaps Anand who had taught him to adjust, tolerate and think from other's shoes. But whatever it was Sandeep was changing for good, they said. Sandeep literally ran around Anand's leg like a puppy dog around its masters'. Once Anand had said, " I won't get angry with you man because you are my Sandeep". A chord struck in his heart. He had heard it before...Sandeep waited for him at every recess, at the bus area and outside his home everyday. Seeing the face of his best friend walking towards him was the best thing for him. One evening he went to Salma's photograph and whispered, "Hey best friend, I am sorry - but I did not miss you at all today. Goodnight"
The rain beating against his window at three a.m woke him up. He hated the rain, for it reminded him of the terrible day of loss. He shut his ears to the noise and decided to stay indoors that day. He spoke to Anand over the phone and then did some studying for the exams that were soon approaching. That night, Sandeep had high fever. He cursed the shift in weather for it always took its toll on his health. His mother scolded him as usual.
"You need some form of physical stamina, Sandeep. Else you will fall sick at the slightest drizzle"
That entire week, Sandeep was at home - watching T.V, reading books and listening to music - blissfully unaware that his friend had fallen in love, proposed to a girl and had got an acceptance. The next week, at college Anand did not turn out for lunch on Monday. It was a study week, when no classes were held and usually most of the students had a good time staying away from the dingy classrooms. The worried Sandeep searched for his friend everywhere when finally he learnt from his classmate that he had gone for a movie with someone during break and was yet to return. Anand came back at around three in the evening with Rakshita. Seeing Sandeep waiting for him at the football ground, he parked his bike, sent Rakshita away and came hurrying to Sandeep.
"Hey why you so dull man?"
"I was waiting for you - for having lunch together - you never came"
"Hey sorry - you did not come the entire week last week, I had gotten used to not having you around. ha ha. Come lets go and grab something to eat"
"How can you laugh about this Anand! I am angry. You did not think about me?"
"Are you trying to question me?"
"Yes"
"Well Sandeep. I think you know that I hate being answerable. Now don't fuss. Come"
"Get lost man - Bye"
A day or two later, Sandeep could not resist calling Anand. They met for a stroll by the park near Sandeep's house.
"So, How have you been da?"
"Never mind how I have been...I heard from someone that you proposed to Rakshita and that she had accepted. I told them it wasn't true and that you guys are only good friends. Anand, they think they know more about you than me."
"Well, they do - Sandeep. That is true, I did propose and she did accept. Sorry, I could not tell you. You had fever and stuff and did not feel -"
"Wait- You mean to say thats true?"
"Yes - I will treat you man -"
"What treat? How can you do this to me Anand? You did not tell your best friend about this!"
"Best friend??! Come on Sandeep. How long do we know each other pal? You cannot expect me to be your best friend...I honestly never thought of you that way. You do not even know that I have better friends than you!"
"Anand - you are joking right? I thought you really thought I was your best friend!"
"Oh please, gimme a break buddy. Best friend is too big a word. It is too strong a word, too strong a relationship. I need years to create a best friend."
Sandeep could not believe what he was hearing. Anand was destroying something that both of them had built together.
"But - all these days I was lead to believe -"
"Hang on - lead to believe? You mean I was misleading you?" Anand seemed to be angry.
"It is all because of that Rakshita! I hate her"
Anand hit Sandeep before he could open his mouth again.
"Don't be so cheap man. What did she do?"
Silence.
"Listen, I was your friend out of pity for you. Nothing more. Now stop bothering me and get back to being a loner. I don't care." Anand started walking away. Sandeep ran after him.
"Anand, Anand. Don't leave me. Please no. Don't leave me. I won't ask anything about her again. I just don't want you to leave me. Please. I have no one"
"Find someone. Go get a girl friend. Leave me. Bye"
"This is not about finding a girlfriend. You are my best friend. Please try to understand."
"Stop this nonsense. Stop everything. I don't need you or the attention you give me. Bye"
"Don't leave me, please"
"Keep standing here if you want Sandeep, I am not going to come back"
Sandeep stood still watching him leave. He had not been physically hurt, yet he felt a sharp pain stab at his heart. He had not heard the news of a loved one's death, yet his mind was screaming to cry. But no tears came by. His eyes had dried years ago. They were incapable of crying. He stood there as still as a statue. The sun was probably ashamed to interfere in his moment of private grief. It had hidden beneath the forming clouds. He stood thinking of his early childhood days - his loneliness. A gentle wind started blowing. He stood thinking of his school days and the days with Salma. The smell of distant rain reached his nostrils. He stood thinking of the early days at college and then about Anand. The heavens opened up as he turned and started walking in the opposite direction. As the rain splashed against his face, he realised that his walk all along had been alone. He sighed and decided not to muse about it too much. For some people life was meant to be that way. As it would always be for him...
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